State Stereotypes

While I haven't been south of Houston Street in almost a year, my past American travels still make me the leading expert in US geography and sociology in the range of my home wireless network. In this era of tension and animosity between red states and blue states, stereotypes about the residents and terrain of our fifty great states have grown out of control. I'm here to confirm and dispel some of these truths and misconceptions. Below, I'll include one fact and one myth about each of the 38 states I've visited (or laidover in, or marked my territory on).

Arizona
Fact: It's hot. Seriously, cactuses and shit.
Fiction: Randy Johnson is 6'10". (he's 6'9 7/8")

Arkansas
Fact: The locals refer to it as "our Kansas".
Fiction: Someone knows what a Razorback is.

California
Fact: We stopped drawing state lines in 1849 because no one was paying attention anymore.
Fiction: Ain't no party like a west coast party 'cause a west coast party don't stop. (they stop)

Colorado
Fact: At any given point, most Colorado residents are standing at a 45 degree angle.
Fiction: The air is thinner in the Rockies. (you just feel fat because everyone else there is in shape)

Connecticut
Fact: Every gorgeous housewife in the state packs her insurance executive husband's lunch at 7:41am, drops off her 2.2 children at soccer practice, and takes her minivan to the tanning salon before lunch at Panera at 12:10. Seek alternate route.
Fiction: The second C is silent.

Delaware
Fact: The Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel recently raised its toll to $446.50
Fiction: Delaware is actually a state.

Florida
Fact: The 2000 election was rigged thanks in part to Jeb Bush.
Fiction: The state speed limit is 7.

Georgia
Fact: Every male resident looks like either Michael Stipe or Andre 3000.
Fiction: It was ever on Ray Charles's mind (or Willie Nelson's, for that matter).

Idaho
Fact: Anyone who reads this state's name is indeed da ho.
Fiction: People live in Idaho.

Illinois
Fact: Despite the name, illin' takes a backseat to chillin' as the state pastime.
Fiction: The state nickname, Land of Lincoln, is justified.

Indiana
Fact: Larry Bird was the offspring of a pitchfork and a bale of plutonium-laced hay.
Fiction: "Hoosiers" was filmed in Indiana.

Kansas
Fact: The state's primary export is wind.
Fiction: One can drive across the entire state in a single week.

Kentucky
Fact: The Cincinnati airport is located in Kentucky for some reason.
Fiction: A bathtub mint julep can be made in a shower stall.

Maine
Fact: Home to the homeliest people in America.
Fiction: Moose are dangerous. (most moose are actually two people in costume)

Maryland
Fact: Maryland is the northernmost state in which Mr. Pibb outsells Dr. Pepper.
Fiction: 80% of Maryland restaurantgoers have crabs.

Massachusetts
Fact: There are no inhabitable towns west of Newton.
Fiction: All Massachusetts residents are rich, tree-hugging, gay-marrying liberals. (our governor is a rich, conversative scrotbag)

Michigan
Fact: Along with Hawaii, this is one of two states my dad hasn't visited, despite having gone to college in Indiana.
Fiction: Ford still manufacters automobiles.

Minnesota
Fact: Sweet Christ, it's cold.
Fiction: Lots of lakes, all of which are perfect for family-themed boat cruises.

Missouri
Fact: McDonald's suspended construction of its marquee Golden Arches when a mysterious river impeded the completion of the second arch.
Fiction: The state's "show me" attitude welcomes exhibitionism at WalMart. (be careful)

Montana
Fact: Native American teenagers in overalls will inquire about the "East Coast poontang" with no introducion.
Fiction: The sky in Montana is actually bigger.

Nevada
Fact: The state's buffets are quite affordable.
Fiction: HBO films 85% of its latenight programming in Nevada. (it's 84.3%)

New Hampshire
Fact: Despite its location far north of Hell, people here enjoy NASCAR.
Fiction: There was an old Hampshire.

New Jersey
Fact: Jersey shore beaches are popular vacation sites for Manhattan stockbrokers, needles, used condoms, and bodybags.
Fiction: Paramus has both north and south borders.

New York
Fact: Lake Placid has hosted Olympic Games; New York City has not.
Fiction: Utica, NY, is often referred to as The Big Apple, or The City That Never Sleeps

North Carolina
Fact: They loves their Jesus in Carolina. And their college basketball.
Fiction: Tobacco, before market, is pronounced tobacky.

Ohio
Fact: Alleged octaroon Warren G. Harding is LeBron James's great, great uncledaddy.
Fiction: John Lennon, Robert Johnson, and Jim Morrison would approve of Cleveland's Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

Oregon
Fact: College athletes in Oregon are all Beavers and Ducks.
Fiction: Pro athletes in Oregon are all stoners and thugs.

Pennsylvania
Fact: Every county smells like the feces of a different animal.
Fiction: Like all northern cities, Philadelphia has indoor plumbing.

Rhode Island
Fact: Roger Williams divided Connecticut into two states after a three hour basement summit with Samuel Adams and an ounce of Maui Wowie.
Fiction: Rhode island is an island, and is paved with rhodes.

South Carolina
Fact: Schools, golf courses, and bowling alleys in South Carolina are still racially segregated.
Fiction: More than one person actually voted for Strom Thurmond more than once.

South Dakota
Fact: God effectively rigged the 1788, 1800, 1860, and 1892 elections by carving four future presidents' faces into a mountain in South Dakota.
Fiction: Pending state funding, a second mountain will display the likenesses of modern American heroes Condoleeza Rice, George Clinton, Sammy Sosa, and 50 Cent.

Utah
Fact: The second M in Mormon is silent.
Fiction: After discovering Utah, Lewis and Clark each tried to name it after the other, then agreed on "hate U" backwards.

Vermont
Fact: In 2005, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream outsold razors in Vermont, 212-1.
Fiction: Howard Dean's backwoods upbringing would have proved detrimental against George Bush's Yale grooming anyway.

Virginia
Fact: Great scholars and leaders such as Thomas Jefferson and George Washington are inspirations to every piece of hick trash born and raised in this great state.
Fiction: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Washington
Fact: People in Washington like coffee.
Fiction: The entire state is our nation's capital.

West Virginia
Fact: Most West Virginia bars serve miners.
Fiction: West Virginia third graders learn to play "Dueling Banjos" on the recorder even before "Hot Cross Buns".

Wisconsin
Fact: On particularly cold days, Wisconsin babies are often breast-fed cheese.
Fiction: Favre can be pronounced by the human tongue.

Wyoming
Fact: Brokeback Mountain is beautiful in the summer.
Fiction: Wyoming residents are proud of the state's most famous child, Dick Cheney.


For good measure, I'll list one stereotype about each of the twelve states I haven't visited. If you can confirm or deny these rumors, please let me know.

Alabama
Kant Komment Kandidly

Alaska
Cold and oily

Hawaii
Good weather, plentiful lei jokes, lots of vowels

Iowa
Lots of corn

Louisiana
Entirely below sea level

Mississippi
Everybody moves to the back of the bus.

Nebraksa
Again, corn

New Mexico
Not all that different from old Mexico.

North Dakota
I think this is the Dakota where Lennon was shot.

Oklahoma
The wind goes sweepin' down the plains.

Tennessee
Decent music and great ribs

Texas
Steers, queers, and soulless, born-again, egomaniacal, ultraviolent, ex-cokehead leaders of the free world...